Unconditional
Self-Acceptance, Shame and Shame- Attacking Exercises
By: Meir Stolear, BA (Hons.), MSc (London); 2012
Definition:
Self: One’s complex (or
over-simplistic, as it often is) view of oneself as a living human being.
Acceptance: An act of accepting
reality, difference, roles, and more. Acceptance is also an act of mental
approval of self, other people and the world as it is.
Shame: A painful
unhealthy negative emotion caused by irrational beliefs, such as believing that
one is a total failure or is a totally rejectable person when one’s behaviour
reveals shortcomings or an action leads to failure. Shame can also be caused by
other unhealthy negative emotions such as guilt, depression and ego-anxiety.
Shame-attacking exercises: These are RECBT
therapeutic activities that aim to dispute one’s irrational beliefs about
oneself, about others and about the world one lives in. The RECBT clinical view
is that such activity can lead people to accept themselves as imperfect human
beings, free themselves from unhealthy negative emotions about themselves and
free themselves from self-defeating behaviour.
Unconditional
Self-Acceptance (USA) and shame- attacking exercises:
Albert Ellis (the originator of RECBT) created the concept of USA in
1955. It is a modern adaptation of a number of conceptions in ancient
philosophies.
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USA aims to help us to see ourselves as imperfect, complex human beings
and to avoid having an over-simplistic view of ourselves. The main idea is to
be able to evaluate (in rational ways) our own strengths and weaknesses and our
own positive and negative physical and mental components; also to see ourselves
as unique individuals, biologically and psychologically; also
to be able to accept what cannot be changed in ourselves, to accept what
can be changed and improved, and to be wise enough to know the difference
between these two.
Self-estimating
(i.e. self-esteem), when it is done in a very simple way (e.g. judging oneself
to be a good or bad person, successful or a failure, good-looking or
bad-looking, etc.), tends to cause too many mood-swings, self-defeating
behaviour, and/or other psychological problems. Moreover, it may even lead us
to over- or underestimate ourselves, which may damage our future goals and
prosperity.
USA on the other
hand, is very much about celebrating our strengths, setting ourselves
achievable life goals (based on our self-understanding), making us willing to
test our own strengths and not shy away from failing and the shame attached to
it. Without testing ourselves, for fear of failing and shaming ourselves, how
else can we can find out our strengths? If we are not willing to take some more
risks , how can we ever achieve enough in our lives? By learning to accept
ourselves (with no conditions attached) we will learn that the shame that we
feel when we fail or do wrong, is not about who we are altogether but about one
small aspect of us and it is never disastrous in our lives.
Shame-attacking
exercises are all about learning to accept ourselves unconditionally. It is
about learning to separate shameful behaviour from the entire self. It is about
attuning oneself to the common good, but without being a slave to it and
denying our own wishes and aspirations. It is about tolerating our
imperfections and accepting that doing some shameful things (as will often
occur) will not kill us. Being ashamed of ourselves however, may depress us to
the point where we wish to die.
A good range of
shame-attacking exercises can be put together from a mixture of elements of
behavioural modification and reinforcement of new rational thinking and
believing.
